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Lately I’m mixing up my journal with Friday’s post in my head a little. They’re both about speaking out my thoughts, but not all thoughts can be shared publicly. The censorship of the world does not allow touching on any uncomfortable truths about our human ways or our contradictions in society, and any ugly truth regarding wars or anything else being brought to the surface. So I won’t share those, but sure, I don’t complain. My flaw was oversharing my life and my opinions with people anyway—a flaw I seem to curb quite successfully now, so I’m quite happy on that part.

Just as I’m writing this though, I do understand the difference now. My journal is like an honest recapture of every aspect of my life and mind; the post is just me speaking out some stuff to the public—my personal yet public blog. This should be my 28th post. It does get easier to write these. In the beginning, I didn’t really know what I was doing—not that I know now. But I feel much more confident writing and expressing myself through these, for sure.

Sometimes, or more often if not all the time, I feel like a literal prototype of a human being, which is not that far from the truth. The person I am now—the mix of thoughts, beliefs, and the collection of all the stuff in my head—is still undergoing a process of change and growth into… something, eventually. I am not the end product, not even close. At least, that’s what I know compared to what I want to become.

Reflecting on society a bit, it’s funny how there is so much going on that nobody likes to mention—like the ocean of adult content, including all the very shady ones accessible to any human being in this world regardless of age, as long as they have a phone and an internet connection. And since I heard that almost every kid in Western countries already has a phone in kindergarten… But I’ll end it there. I’ll do what my human nature is best at: ignore anything uncomfortable and horrific and pretend there is no problem or danger. Especially since I have no power nor money to do anything about it other than protect my own future kids from the degradation and corruption available at arm’s length. Those who are very well aware of what type of content is out there know what I mean. And the laughable “Are you above 18 years old?” prompt on any site, which exists more to protect the site from lawsuits than to actually prevent access to anyone who is underage.

Moving away from the bullet I just shot in the last paragraph—sometimes, the mundane, repetitive schedule of everyday life and the isolation I built around myself felt suffocating. I had rejected anyone who crumbled under weakness—constant complaining, choosing excuses over strength, refusing to take responsibility, and generally wasting their life. (Simply put, I only allow OQP—Only Quality People—into my life, and that rule is absolute.)

Even though I don’t go out or have friends—or rather, I choose not to—I realized something: that’s right  I chose all of this. I chose to turn others away and prioritize myself. I chose not to drink at clubs and parties—I chose me. I chose not to waste time in meaningless conversations—I chose me, and on and on and on. And that realization changed everything. I am not a victim of my circumstances anymore; I had deliberately created all of them. I chose the country I moved to. I chose to walk away from relationships that didn’t align with my future. I chose this.

And that shift in perspective changed my entire feeling about it—not from a place of loneliness, but from a moment of empowerment. I did all this. So what else am I capable of in terms of shaping my circumstances?

Now, a big part of my personal life philosophy, which is blooming more and more every month, is the absolute defiance of any weakness within and the pursuit of absolute excellence. A lot of people told me I’m being hard on myself, but I don’t listen to that. It’s not that I’m being hard on myself, it’s just that I’m just striving not to be lazy, to strive for something greater than my life, while despising any sort of excuses at the same time. Striving for perfection—not that perfection exists, but to get as close to that concept as humanly possible. I want to achieve great things in life, and that’s really all I need—a purpose in life. But asking for greatness while living like a common person isn’t very logical, is it? I want to build a palace of a life while holding on to a mindset of “don’t be so hard on myself”? That type of mindset is barely enough to build a shed out of sticks in a forest, so I need to adopt a mindset that is ready to put out 1000% more than some average effort and the intelligence and courage to figure out a way to make it all happen.

I also feel the benefit of standing alone in life without having any family or friends by my side at all. I’m getting even more accustomed to and learning how to stand alone in life—not depending on anyone. I no longer listen to other people saying or trying to influence me into being what they think I should be. I am becoming more and more my own creation—myself. And one very important thing—a lot of people or posts throw out those empty words “just be yourself,” but it’s been very long since I thought this wisdom or philosophy was utterly flawed because it lacked one specific element to it. To be “yourself,” I should first create that thing which I can call “myself.” I heard “be yourself” when I didn’t even know what I was—a collection of masks put on me by me, different people, and different environments, all of them really not of my deliberate choosing or without any specified direction nor reason. However, now I created something that I truly could call myself—a vision of who I want to be and why I want to be that. And knowing more or so what I want to become—then I know how to listen to the words “just be yourself”.

Or maybe I’m just getting more mature due to age (if a process like this even takes place, because I’ve seen people in their 30s and 40s who are less mature than some teenage kids I’ve met in life)…

Given that, barely 50 years ago, we humans were driving large needles into people’s brains through their noses in an attempt to “heal” mental illness (with lobotomy only officially disappearing by the 1980s), it’s clear that we are still far from fully understanding the human mind. In fact, our knowledge remains so incomplete that the true nature of our own consciousness seems to extend beyond even ourselves. Perhaps this is because the very thing trying to understand that nature—a certain process of the brain itself—is also the very thing that created all these problems. And yet, without it, we would have no technological or other forms of progress.