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Hi,

How are you doing? I know you can’t respond to me—you’re just reading this. Does that question even make sense? Or is it too superficial? You know your life better than anyone—if you’ve really gone into it—understanding yourself, knowing where you come from and where you’re going. Is this the life that you wanted?

If yes, how is it?

If no, where are you heading?

Yesterday, I didn’t know what to write about. But I woke up today—it’s 5:33—and now I do.

This writing will be an interactive one, if you will. I will tell you what to do as we progress.

The multiplicity of the human mind, when it comes to my own, is represented well by one song. Whether you are on your phone or computer, I want you to put a song on YouTube and watch it—the visuals of that video. Listen to it before you continue, and if you’re not taken away by the distractions of life in the process, come back to read some more if you wish. The song I’m asking you to play is “Are We Closer” by Miro Shot. I’m playing it too, so that we both share the same experience, although mine was a little ahead of time, as the body that wrote this is now doing something else as you read.

Now, the song itself represents, in a way, the totalitarian system of the mind—controlling others, controlling a whole society. It is not different from how I live my own life, though in my case, the one in control and the one being controlled are not separate. This is how I live—day to day, moment to moment. Controlling everything—what I do, where I go, and why. All dictated by a vision of the future my mind wants to achieve. A future I envisioned. And the system of the mind that follows it, becoming a totalitarian force dictating everything—how I live, how I behave—always striving for even more control. Control over emotions, over thought, over everything. Focused. Relentless. Unforgiving. Accepting the outcome of my own lifestyle, which inevitably brings loneliness and, to some extent, suffering—the suffering that comes from resistance and the unhappiness of this way of living. The unhappiness of superficiality and detachment in social life and anything else.

Being strict, not allowing myself to engage emotionally in relationships, always staying focused. But I also understand the point this “dictator” lifestyle is making. I’ve heard it so many times, never actually considering that it might be more than just words—the notion that “you work now to have fun later, or have fun now and live a poor life in the future.” Striving today for a better future. But the bigger and more “impossible” the future, the greater the sacrifices. Sacrificing time with others to develop oneself, even though loneliness knocks hard at the back door. But if I can endure these struggles of a self-imposed, strict lifestyle, I have the option to create this future. Make it more than just a vision, make it a reality to be achieved.

No matter how much we brush it off, whether we accept it superficially or not at all, living in this society is absolutely tied to our power in it—which ultimately means wealth. Without money, you can’t travel. You can’t quit your job forever. You can’t experience life fully, because everything in this life has a literal price. Even dating—as a man, it’s not about how attractive we are, but about the life we can offer the woman who chooses us. What kind of life we can build for us. And wealth opens up many doors, even more than I can possibly imagine now.

And striving for the future, in my case—and here is where you understand where the “Stalin” of my totalitarian, self-imposed life comes from—means removing money constraints entirely. Meaning being undisputably wealthy. And in the process of reaching that, also ticking off my personal goals of developing this mind intellectually to its limits.

Such as: Acquiring fluency in nine languages, plus two dialects of one of those—languages already chosen; Reaching, as closely as possible, mastery in psychology and the ability to fully perceive the mind, its perceptions, and abstract thinking. Seeing the world as it is. Seeing through myself and every other human being like through a piece of glass—without distortion; Discovering the true definition of meditation. Not according to any concept, but the actual state of mind where thought and psychological time are absolutely silent; Shedding limitations—my own likes and dislikes, my own beliefs and convictions. Not being limited by my small vision of the world. Being open to different forms of life and minds in this world; Creating content—sharing something with the world through writing, as evident here, but also through video creation, a project I’m currently involved in and will launch soon; Mastering the piano. And later, the guitar, because I’ve been told musical instruments develop the brain; Becoming completely ambidextrous, which also develops the brain—able to do anything with either hand, using them both to their full potential; Training the body—becoming strong and energetic, like lightning coming from a stable, immovable mountain instead of the sky.

And so on. And on.

As you can imagine, it’s not something done in a day. Or a year. Or even several years, to tick off all those goals.

How do I cope? In all this self-imposed isolation and restriction?

Here’s where I want you to play the last song. The song that suits my emotions and conflict—the song under which I feel loved, the one that helps me pull through. The one that keeps me going.

The song is “Catch Me When I Fall (Rōnin Vocal Mix).”

This one, you can play in the background. In fact, I’d say to put it in the background as you read the rest of this post.

Falling asleep is difficult every night, due to the turmoil and the unstoppable train I put into motion. But this song—this song you’re hearing right now—puts me to sleep. Like a hug from parents.

Not having anyone around me, my only friend becomes myself. Paradoxically, my biggest enemy is also myself. But for now, I’ll focus on the best friend part.

I understand what I’m striving for. And my mind has promised me that if I pull through, I’ll live like never before—living a dream!

But before I get to that dream, I’m stuck here.

And so, the lyrics of the song calm me. They suit me. They make life softer.

As I listen to the lyrics… my soul echoing them to the dictator who’s controlling my life… asking for help in hard times…

Catch me when I fall…

When I’m high…

When I’m low…

When I’m crawling… don’t let go…

When my back’s…

Against the wall…

Catch me when I fall…

It almost becomes a prayer of some sort. When I’m high—when I stick to the regime efficiently, checking off every task of the day… When I’m low—when I can’t hold in my loneliness and feelings… When I’m crawling, trying to do the tasks but can’t… don’t let go—”you’re the creator, the mastermind of this future I’m supposed to achieve, help me…” When my back’s against the wall… Catch me when I fall… Catch me… I need your help… help me now…

When I’m lost…

Lose control…

When I’m tryna find my soul…

When my back’s…

Against the wall…

Catch me when I fall…

This song helps me. It really does—unlike any other I’ve found. It helps me calm down, keeps me on schedule—my daily tasks filling the entirety of my day, from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep at night. It suits me. Suits my emotions. Calms the distressed horse inside me, makes it steady. Peaceful.

The coldness of the life I’ve created around myself is unpleasant. Cold to the touch. Cold to the heart.

But this song—it’s like a light in a storm. A beacon.

It warms me just enough to keep going.

It’s rare for me to let my tears slowly flow down my skin, tracing the edge of my jaw. But now… as I finish this post…

Catch me when I fall…