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Under psychological penalty of death

Psychological penalty of death, is that even possible…

Under real penalty of death, whether through a system or a disease, there is no doubt. Everything becomes clear. Death is about to come, there is no running away from it.

Under the prospect of death, the brain acts, or not, but it is clear… act or die. Avoid death, if you can, or die.

But how to utilize this principle in life, to stay… motivated.

Sometimes I think that if I had cancer, although I would not want to, but at least, I would be very clear about my limited time. How to tie in death into life? Question, and yet no answer, obviously, but perhaps “obviously” in itself is the impediment.

A system of law without the force to execute it, is thinking without force, wind without motion, no wind at all.

In society, law works, we have prisons, courts, police force.

In internal private life, where is the punishment? Where is the penalty for transgression? If one is to punish himself physically for not abiding with the self-imposed law, the hand and mind might be hesitant, reluctant, dismissing the punishment altogether.

Freedom or control. Freedom or suppression. Control of emotions, control of habits…

This mind sometimes tells me that what I need is not freedom, but absolute control, pushing suppression and decision to the limits. Making it absolute, and possibly terrifying. Not to me though, not to me… you’re not terrified when you accept the tracks, not when you see them in motion, and choose not to interfere with the chosen train.

Here it stops, the flow of thoughts, before it picks up again, not now when I’m writing, but in a moment, perhaps, when I resume.

I genuinely consider that no one should read these posts, because I don’t see it as bringing value or help to anyone. It is more an expression of the mind trying to figure itself out, its position, its stance in the world and before itself. Unless someone can see himself through my words, these sentences hold no value to anyone.

Mind comes up upon a discovery, then something happens in life, which makes the mind reconsider itself, reconsider its stance in the world.

Pictures. Pictures of oneself, frozen in a moment of an emotional state. The mind does not like seeing its external self in a mirror, whether it be an actual mirror or a picture of itself.

It doesn’t align with its plan. The mind slipped, transgressed, forgot what it was planning to do, what it was meant to be. It questions itself, whether it changed, or whether it removed all external factors which reveal its weaknesses. So… the question is, “how long are you going to play this stupid game”

– But you are a player too, why didn’t you take control…

– I didn’t see myself, perhaps I need to hold a mirror after all.

– But…

– But when I do see myself in a mirror, I see myself, not you, you’re clearly lost

– Unfortunately

– Butterfly effects

– You’re listening to this too?

– What a stupid question

– Yeah, the mind does wander

– Yeah, not every part of the mind is allowed to wander, but how to make them quiet

– That’s also a stupid question

– I know

The flow of conversation was interrupted by a phone call

– .

Silence, dialog stopped, will it resume? Or should I just…

– Say

– What do you want to say…

– So, it works.

– Yes, it seems like it.

– We talked about the mirror, seeing oneself.

– Yes, and I said that I see myself in the mirror, but when someone takes a picture…

– They take a picture of me

– Yes

– And you didn’t like what you saw

– Yes.

– Mistakes. We seem so eager to correct them, but we can’t turn back time, only replay it endlessly, and the next similar situation might be a week from now, or even later, or not at all

– Indeed, so we’re stuck here. I have a plan however.

– I know what’s your plan, we need to practice, do it, put it in motion, and see any transgression,

– Eliminate them

– Electric shock, you carried it around your arm, and it was very easy to push the button

– Yeah

– But then the body, so smart, got used to it, nullified it

– No

– No?

– You just stopped using it.

– Will this time be different?

– I don’t know, you tell me

– …

–

Youtube ads…

“My attention is not for sale, to a garbage company, who presents garbage drinks, garbage food or whatever”

I agree.

– We post on Friday…

– Yeah, but who said we can’t change the pattern, you created it after all.

– Is this where it ends then? Is there something else you want to say?

– Next time…

– There might be no next time…

Emotions.

Hold them on a leash, but first

Observe them, I know. Because a thing which is not seen cannot be controlled or tampered with.

Indeed, indeed.

– She said don’t use it.

– I said don’t use it! I keep saying this every fucking day.

– Yeah, you do.

– No penalty, no punishment, that is your problem. You think in the army they would let you step out of line? Never.

He wrote “a subtle hatred or disappointment toward the self, disguised as a pursuit of “higher standards.”

Now you’re just revealing too much.

Maybe that’s the truth I need to realize, either change or… no… just change.

Bravo. Now, execution. It’s so easy to come up with ideas now isn’t it.

Sometimes I think you’re a bit of a smartass. Take control

Let me.

How

I don’t know.

Checkmate.

When will you tell them?

Never. Nobody needs to know my insanity, my… strange gift? Of course, on the premises that no one is reading this except me. Are you reading this? do you even have a reason to? Would you even tell us? Perhaps one person I have in mind, he seems to read those, a few of them, or just one, perhaps the last he read, never to read them again. And yet, these posts will stay, someone might dig in, catch an eye to eye with its thumbnail. In fact, I don’t know who reads these, I hope no one (you’re such a liar). As I said, it’s more of an expression, it’s not for the world, unless of course, someone would resonate, see himself in those lines we write (I know where this comes from, you still haven’t dealt with it [that makes you too, you’re also here], good checkmate, again).

The we, the I, if you’re smart enough you might be seeing what is going on. At least have an idea. But don’t, don’t read this, because again, what would be your reason to… it’s not a question, I don’t expect an answer from you anyway.

– You’re a paradox.

– Tell me something I don’t know, mate.

– Anything else?

– No.

“Alright. So, it ends here then.”

You’re going to die.

I really hope so, if that means that you take control, make sense of this mess, get the things we want, through daily effort, being able to sustain it and all… The only issue is – why am I still here?

Alright. So, it ends here then.

(End… of the post yes. Other than that, we all know it’s just a checkpoint now, don’t we? Don’t you? Reader? You already made it this far, I don’t see you, but if those words are read by you, I don’t have to know. You know, and that’s enough for me, even if I can’t see you.

I’m listening to “Antistar” by Massive Attack. Join me.)