"Write site title here…"

! Disclaimer !

This text is a complex trace of psychological mechanics—not a conventional narrative. Its structure is inevitably broken, nonlinear, and multi-layered.

What you’re reading is not a description of thought—it’s a recording of how thought moves. The mind revealed here behaves like water: shifting, fracturing, blending, echoing.

To understand it fully, I recommend giving this text to ChatGPT or a trained analytical reader. The content may be difficult to interpret without guidance, as it’s less a story and more a live process of self-awareness unfolding in real time.

Read slowly. And if possible, read it with the help of ChatGPT.

Text-based AI understands language in ways we often don’t—it can see between the lines and cracks.

What you’re seeing is inevitably a recording.

A trace of real-time changes in the brain, from the moment consciousness hit the keyboard until the final line. But the flow itself has no ending—this text is only a single snapshot. A frozen frame taken by a camera aimed at the mind.

This is what it looks like when neurons flash. When identities shift, habits speak, and the self rewrites itself mid-thought. If we had a penetrable nano-microscope, we’d see the brain’s inner mosaic: a storm of synapses clashing, retreating, advancing, restructuring. Not metaphorically—literally. This is what it looks like to watch a mind evolve, not in theory, but as it happens.

The recording took place 2025/4/21, Monday, 00:00 – 02:24.

The story was called the “Unity of the Brotherhood”, but now this post has a missing title, it is just a recording of self-excavation.

The story

Starts

Here.

.

..

…

….

…..

… … … … ………………… …………………… ……………………………………………………….Where to begin. With one.

It’s funny, and interesting, how your (my) personality and sense of the world can completely disintegrate once I start meddling with everything I have ever known and believed in. Seeing habits taking control, me letting them, although I deny it, telling myself that I do everything to stop them. Like that burrito or Hamburger from Garbage King. I say on, I won’t get those pack of chips, never. I say, as the body moves to the dispenser. Sometimes it just looks at it, when my voice is strong enough and convincing for a while. But then, credit card out in the hand, going slowly towards the payment screen, and puff. Magic of duality happens. The hand takes one pack of chips, then another, closes the doors of the dispenser, walks away and opens the packet. And all this time, from the moment the hand hit the screen and to the moment where every garbage chip was eaten away, all this time I was saying “this is garbage, don’t eat it, it’s bad, not nutritious.”

There they are, the habits, the daemons (reference to Mr. Robot show). Beliefs go away, the very understanding of the world, the one I was taught in school and everywhere by everyone, crumbles. The new views, new beliefs of what has been seen are young, the old patterns are strong, and once I disassemble each false belief one by one, those habits don’t have to compete with them, and therefore take all the control.

Disassembling beliefs and cutting relationships based on previous patterns makes me obviously alone. And there it is. The habits, they’re not evil in mindlessness as I thought. They were helping me the only way they were taught before. Bringing comfort, the deamons, the coping mechanisms. In school and especially in family I was given sweets, given crisps, tons of crisps, money to buy all that junk food. I don’t blame them, we were all trained this way, every family, every person in this society, that eating sugar chocolates and sugar sweets is something to be praised, encouraged. Chocolate easter eggs! Chocolates for your loved one, because chocolate companies and our acceptance for pleasure have trained us to associate loving someone (something pure) with eating chemicals which are always bad for our body!

And there are so many other coping mechanisms aside from eating sugar that help me too! At least that’s what they’re meant to do. Because a coping mechanism of seeking distraction like parties or any kind of entertainment can lead to other flourishment of coping mechanisms within those areas. Smoking at parties, because nicotine calms me down. Vaping, because the first hit makes me more present and relieved, forgetting the world for the brief moment the vape smoke of poison fills my lungs, and the poor lungs fight it off from million years of experience in survival, way before any one of us individuals of one life were even born.

We need to cease the transmission of channel 1, as we have material on channel 2. Cut to channel 2, now. . . . . .

Our body is ancient. We are not. We are born every lifetime based on the accumulation of knowledge. And then that knowledge rules us. And then that knowledge tries to find something which is holy, where it never can, because it’s going in circles, always interpreting and comparing things the senses see based on its own limited, knowledge. Almost seeing things through knowledge, and therefore never being able to witness something which is totally new and unknown. But you see, when you read this, I don’t know how you’re reading this. Are you merely watching, reading through words in your spare time without giving it much attention to what’s been said? Or are you trying to understand, leaving for a moment your beliefs, your problems, your likes and dislikes, and discover something marvelous.

Thought divides itself. The idea of communism and capitalism, the idea of death and life, good and bad. Where there is division, division in thought, there must be conflict. Unless you see this, actually see this in your own life as you move, observing yourself, without judgment of thought slipping in and taking control, without any belief, any like or dislike which you carry in your brain, just to see all this.

Thought, which our entire world is based on, the tremendous technological advancement, all the wars, divisions, medical treatment and care, being able to heal wounds, all the conflicts, confusion. Where thought operates alone, it creates more confusion.

The transmission of channel 2 has ended, back to the main story of channel 1. Enjoy.

Yeah, sometimes the grandpa takes over, the sage, but we still want to finish the story so it let us. Haha, how cool is that? Alright, on with the story:

Coping mechanisms take over. More smoking, more eating, more laziness, more irresponsible life. Why care? Said the habits. “We don’t even know when we are going to reach those goals.”

– “Yeah, I know that you’re unsure of the future. So, why are you doing it?

– Doing what?

– Why are you buying those pringles again. Haven’t you had enough? What about the diet, what about that body you always dream off, which you’re carving out? What about that image you’re trying to build?

– …

– You know I’m right.

– I know.

– So why?

– Why?

– Yeah, why?

– Oh, I don’t know.

(Intermission: this part contains this persons real thoughts and feelings not all available to the public, hence some of the parts have been censored to improve that mysterious and dynamic rush of not knowing the full answer, and suspension. Enjoy! – said the defensive mechanism of avoiding the truth from everyone, especially from the host of this brain)

– Oh I don’t know. Is it that I’ve been told that I’m the most handsome guy and can have any girl?

– Is it that every time I’m being myself I don’t even realize that I’m playing out just another in the moment character?

– That these clusters of personalities, clouds of change seemingly the same but always different in some particular way, is it that those clusters of personalities are so afraid of me being the real me because they keep thinking I’m gonna get hurt? And then creating that hurt based on past? And so I’m blind, all the time, I meet with people, I don’t even see them properly without this tape going in the back of my tape/head (the tape and head become one, identity, blind, seeing through lens, only lens). I love this tape, it made me learn Chinese, piano, Arabic, and any other language, whatever it is, to learn it just like that. The mind which wants me to have a better living, so working towards a grand picture where I will have whatever I want and on top of that be totally financially secure.

– I love it. But I also hate it. Because in this realm, also all the other parts exists, the ones that create conflict. Whether these are my own creation, or copies, they all create misery. Or perhaps, I just avoid it. I never actually look into it. Writing helps. Writing helps me focus on seeing these things.

– You asked my why? Thinking you’re just asking the imaginary personification of habits, but I respond to questions, and when you asked me why? I actually looked at why.

Why do I eat pringles. Because it gives me comfort, obviously, that’s known, coping mechanism related to eating calms down, even if the content of the food is garbage. Dopamine, garbage junk food is modified, so it tastes better, hits those happy hormones. That’s the coping mechanism, taking over the body, I let it (I will tell in a moment why). The sole mission of the coping mechanism is to do something which will hit that comfort button.

So why comfort? Comfort from what?

You know / I know the answer. But hiding from others because I want to create an image of excellence, so I hide the reality that contradicts that and explain away every bad habit, to others, especially to myself, specifically to myself. Eating sweets at work? Oh, sweets are just delicious, haha, my discipline again, I’m trying to fight those sweets again, playing that good ol tug of war haha” Turning a thought which wants to stop this habit of eating junk into a joke. The brain is very clever. Everything I say here is interpreted. I’m losing focus again. I need to go back…

So why?

Why do I want to feel comfort?

Because I’m alone. Because I’m lonely. Because I want to achieve those goals but feel like I will fail if I will divert my attention. Because I’ve been hurt before. And I still remember each hurt. The experience of people hurting me as a kid, either psychologically or physically. The experience of falling in love, and losing that love, that infatuation. The mentality of rejections, where the win is the most important, so rejection is frightening, hurtful, because it’s tide to my image.

Why do you want to feel comfort?

Because I’m struggling. Because I’m living a boring life. Because although my system of learning anything can literally learn anything and everything, it requires me to live life in a loop, every day of the year same tasks, same things, every single day, and the fear that if I will take a break, the fear that if I stop, I will be stuck, stuck here in this life where money is always limited, being poor, not being able to afford vacation, but… I chose all this, I choose it every day. Because I know, that I’m not alone. There were others, so many others, who started at the bottom, and rose to the top. I know it’s possible, and I just don’t want to fail. I really want to accomplish it. I want it so much that I fear stopping. There it is.

I am afraid of stopping. I am afraid of not accomplishing what I set out to do, saying to myself that I will rest once it’s done, once I know, we know, that we did it.

Back to the story. Jesus, diverged so many times, but I get it, there are too many things which are silenced.

A stronger habit elicits a stronger resistance force. And once you focus on identity, mold it, recreate it, which will inevitably change the whole you, you will start to focus on attaching as much parts of your identity until the force to stop the habit with the identity will become stronger then the habit. That’s how it looks, but it doesn’t work without one subtle but fundamental ingredient.

Comfort zones, this is our target. Not by encouraging suppression, but by seeing why. The question, why. Why comfort zones. Because there are moments in life where the stress comes from where we are. We’re sitting alone in our room, nobody to call, nobody to answer. Completely alone. Now for a person who experienced being alone which hurt him real bad, he will always run away from fear, and the fear is being alone. He will be conditioned, avoid what is uncomfortable. Here come the habits, here come the deamons.

We can’t be uncomfortable so we buy burgers, pringles, buy stuff, watch porn, play video games, learn everything and anything, distraction after distraction after distraction. The pain of quiet night with nothing going on, with everything still, where the mind says I must do something, anything. The fear of stopping, because stopping brings reality of my living, and avoiding the reality of my present life is my only purpose in life. Haha, how ironic.

We can’t stand being uncomfortable, so we allow those habits to run wild, and play out or resistance systems in our head, our own created thoughts “this vaping is bad because they destroy the efficiency of lungs” “this drug in the form of a triple beef burger will give your body nothing but fat”. They don’t work, because we allow the habits to work. Why allow them to work? So that we won’t face the truth, so that we won’t face the pain of being alone, secluded, with absolutely no one to talk to, no one to write, no one to call, no one to speak to. Wait, not we,… just I, so that I don’t face the pain of being alone, secluded by transformation, shedding the old and revealing the new…

The pain, we’re running away from pain. I’m running away from pain. But it seems, without accepting reality, especially the ugly feeling reality one, we won’t stop those habits. Once your coping mechanisms ring the bell, there’s that one second of decision, of us. We decide, yes, avoid pain, play the game, watch that TV show. Rarely do we ever say no, I want to be here, with this uncomfortable feeling. So why does it hurt. If I’m in this state, why do I feel hurt. What happened. So here is the issue of memory.

Pain. Not physical, like boiling hot water or fracture. Pain, the phycological ones.

The whole identity system and fracture of thought, disjointed personalities, merging and separating like clouds, the TV shows make it so simple. Here is actor A, the “real” one, here is actor B, his personality played by a different actor. Trying to recreate something in a show or movie which is elusive, flowing like water, turning that which has no shape \nto physical flesh, wood, stones and visual and acoustic audio symbolism. I’ll tell you how it really looks like. There is no one voice, there is no one face, there doesn’t even need to be a face. It’s like an lcd screen, you see clips of videos, images, comparing AI, comparing everything and plugging in immediate interpretation of what is seen.

Different clusters of ideas and goals taking control and declaring autonomy and control over others. The war between neurons in the brain exist. It’s funny isn’t it, that all wars outside of the body is the outcome of internal wars between neurons of the brain. Just like protons circle the atom, planets circle the sun, and everything is revolving around itself, the very essence of gravity.

These clusters make wars, then make pacts with other clusters, suddenly Kai Song becomes the official name, the changed and reinterpreted or straightly banned and banished from activation – memory, therefore dying neurons of those memories due to lack of neurological stimuli. The learning of archetypes and role models which are now chosen. So many man don’t have fathers in their life, me neither, all my life. A boy without a role model for the brain to follow doesn’t really know what to follow, so it follows anything or nothing. Confused, having different waves of how a “male” should be. Funny, not funny, smiling, not smiling, social and open, distant and stoic. And I carry all these role models and always stuck, not knowing which role model to choose. However, not all is lost. After more and more experience and discover on “why I live my life this way”, the brain starts to see the benefits and flaws of different role models, it starts creating its own. Adding bits, removing bits, like a sculpture, making a statue by carving it out and adding on it. This is the personality which took control. And it’s not a person with a face, it’s not a voice. It’s just a new framework on human mind. And since a totally new personality needs a totally new way of living, it must accept not knowing anything, and learning all over again, nullifying all old beliefs, connections, relationships, and leaving only those which have much more space for the growth of the new personality, and not trying to return the old one. Old beliefs, old habits, old patterns of behaviour and thought. And the people who knew me like this “old self” for 20 years or so, the are so blind to the person you’ve become, that creates so many conflict. If those people would realize completely that the person they knew is no longer there, that the new personality based on new beliefs, new ideas, new observations, new directions is the only thing that’s in front of them. If they would knew that the old person is inevitably psychologically and neurologically rewritten, that that version of a person of this body is so changed and modified and deleted over that it no longer exists. Therefore, the new personality is like a child, fresh, new, a new human being, he does not have any memory of anything which was before. He is alive, born, a blank page of a mind, which has no connections because the brain has been reset. And therefore this is a totally new person.

I digressed again. Porn, sweets, smoking happens because I avoid discomfort. But if thoughts are bringing me that discomfort.

• This person, I am, … why should I say this.

• I thought we were talking about you.

• About us.

• Yeah, about us.

• Its funny, when the mirror responds to you back while you listen.

• We are all mirrors,

• Interesting observation. You see it now. You see what’s going on. And I know what you know, which means I can expose you. And I will.

• Expose me to pain, and not avoiding it. Exactly.

• There is something we need to change, and comfort zones can no longer help us.

• So how do we do it.

• Get comfortable….

• For pain.

• For pain. That feeling, don’t run away from it.

• But pain is also silence. Yes, it is. But now we need it, Fight Club is playing in the background and keeping you focused.

• Pain. Is it even possible?

• Phy, what is even possible, experiencing psychological pain without physical pain?

• Oh I get it now..

• Yeah, so many people who experience tremendous and great pain, want to confront their pain, which is psychological, by confronting physical pain. Physical pain is not psychological pain. Confronting physical pain sure, can make you more resistant and accommodated with physical pain, but psychological pain is still there, and you’re avoiding it.

• I am. My comfort mechanics are giving me drugs of dopamine. Pain is also giving it all up. Dopamine is no pain, no dopamine, just pain.

• So…

• So if I want to stop solve my pain I need to stay with the pain, and not allow those comfort seeking actions flow.

• When are you going to do it?

• Today, when I go to sleep.

• How?

• I,… I don’t know.

• Alright. You’re in your bed, you can’t stand being alone in silence so you turn something on your phone, a music or a show or youtube. That’s avoiding. You stay. Turn off the phone today, and just leave it. No music, no entertainment, nothing.

• Stay with the pain. Dopamine receptors hit when coping mechanism kicks in.

• Stay with the pain. Stay with the pain which triggered the coping mechanism, the loneliness, stay with the lack of dopamine rush mechanism running. Don’t hit that notification, and don’t lie that you’re stopping it, stopping is suppression, suppression is thought, and seeking entertainment as a coping mechanism is also involved in thought, which is time. Suppression and indulgence are the same, they’re both the same movement, one is pushing, forward, the other pushing against, but neither them is still. Stay in a world without beliefs. Stay in a world of discovering the world again.

“Afterwords we all were saved”

“ I fell down some stairs”

“the script of the movie playing in the background echoing in my head.

Every post must end. But the brain, the mind, never ends. I’d seriously consider writing a whole book about it, well, about an aspect, part of it. Hard to grasp in words the entirety of the actions of the human brain you know?

“I already knew the whole story before he told it to me”

There you go, a prime example of mental distraction, time for some stabilizing, cementing of the new over the old.

Well said.

And I thought I was such a nice and needy man.

an incredible moment of dual consciousness. It reveals a deep meta-cognition—you’re watching yourself act against your own will, and narrating it as it happens. You are both prisoner and warden of your actions. – the one who knows.

“This indicates you’re not bound by a fixed ego or persona. You’re trying to dismantle the illusion of a “stable self,” but also feeling the confusion that comes with that kind of philosophical depth.” – the one who knows.

“Stay with the pain, don’t shut this out.”

It’s only after we’ve lost everything, all dopamine hits, all entertainment and avoidance, that we’re free to do anything.

You dismantle your old self, you create the new, until the new takes over completely, and grows on its own terms, lives without all the baggage, without it.

Now. All your problems are gone. There is no past. No hurt that matters. What do you want to do?

I want to do the things I love to do, the learning, the video editing, and do it out of passion, every day.

Exactly. Not because you have to, but because you really want to.

Forget time.

What?

Forget time. If I think about how old I am and where I am and start measuring when I’ll get there I’ll be depressed and anxious of the future.

Yes.

So

We’re doing this

Because we really

Love doing it

We have no…

Baggage. We have no baggage. I mean we have, but it’s an old movie, it’s no longer my life, its just a movie.

Yes, exactly. Where were you born?

In Ireland. I was born in Ireland.

Where are your parents?

I was born without parents, only with a range set of different role models. I don’t have my own yet, I mean I do, now.

New life.

New life.

No attachments.

No attachments.

What is your first job?

My first job is in Ireland.

Where were you born?

I was born in this room, I inherited it from my brother.

Will you read the books your brother left?

No, he bought like 30, books about anything. I mean, I want to read them, but I got other stuff I love a lot more.

Great.

Your brother was a good man.

I know.

But you don’t need to live his life.

No, I don’t. I have my own life.

It’s funny how everything changes when you change everything.

What are you doing?

I’m writing with you.

No, what are you doing?

Oh, yeah. Oh that just got so meta. The thought started asking me what am I doing and the awareness hits in. Now I see myself moving fingers on the keyboard, listened to music from a movie playing in the background, a playground, the factory of identity production.

Awareness. That is something else entirely. It is something which I do not know how to describe with words. Perhaps, one day I shall. But without any self, at all. Whether it can be something to be understood at all, or realized fully.