It’s been a long time since a post was written. And I’m here now, in front of this computer, in front of this screen.
Where do I start, … what do I even write. I really don’t know. I feel like … how should I know what I feel like, if its all just memory, thinking and past speaking. Not the now, just the thinking watching what it thinks is the now. Watching itself.
Seems that actions and decisions are like chess moves, you move, and then you’re in a position made by previous decisions. Looking here, at this post, this green text, this black background, before the layout had more colors, but through the endless changes to everything, to everything I do, it became… this.
I wonder what is this life. The situation of human state all around the world, going to pieces, in many different ways. Being a representative of all human beings, how would I change all this. I don’t know if I could. I have no power, either in terms of position nor money, nor connections.
I sit alone, at night, doing what I did for 10 years or so, learning languages, this time listening to Chinese videos on Bilibili, a journey of learning Chinese which started about 7 or 8 years ago, or 9, I’m not sure. Even though we were never in China, at least yet, I made a decision to go all the way, to understand this language just as I understand Polish or English.
It seems that is really the only string that’s still alive and stable, learning languages that is. I learn Arabic too, because in Highschool I decided to learn both Arabic and Chinese, and that drive, that goal always stays with me, it never faded. At the same time, I have done very little, nothing, I have done nothing in terms of getting a position, and earning money. Money is always low, a decision I made to have more time for my plans, for my development. But there it is, tonight, there is just that video playing in the background, and nothing else. No feminine soul around, just me, no friends, away from family, away from the place I was born, away from the country I lived in. Not that I want to go back. I always look forward, to the future life, the life I imagined, but as I grow old, it is still just a horizon, a distant imagination.
I tried learning many different things. Learning a language like Chinese gave me the impression that I can learn anything, but learning anything doesn’t make me good at anything, unless I dedicate years of focus, and energy and time into a skill. I dropped many things, because the more things I had to learn, the less time I had to really get into any deeply, and my time and energy is always occupied to making both languages like my own: Chinese and Arabic.
But here I am. Alone in the dark room, with lights coming from the computer, from the led lights behind them, alone, with a text, writing because I have nothing else to do at this time, at night. Not interested in playing games, they don’t build anything, they just take time for nothing, my life doesn’t change playing them. Doesn’t change my life at all.
"Write site title here..." 