How do I turn back time? I still have life, I still breathe.
I remember my life, the memory this brain gathered. Sometimes at night I see the regrets.
Oh what’s the point…
I live in a prison of my own mind, for probably more than 15 years. Always in isolation because it was is safe…
Or is this getting too personal.
We are not allowed to be personal for privacy reasons, said my internal code of conduct. My rule book. My patterns.
This page is ugly. I mean, completely unreadable. Green text. Should I change it again? To something different? Perhaps. But that takes time, and I don’t have time for that. I have time for “improving myself” for the sake of my “imagined future”. The future where I’m free financially, independent. I say that while writing in a dark room, with a part-time job and little cash but a lot of time on my hands. 5 years ago I thought I’d be wealthy by now, or at least getting close. 5 years later, today, I still have the same idea, and still live the same way as before. Almost broke, out of choice, isolated, with few to no friends and no relationship. I want to have kids eventually, I still decide to be alone for “focusing on myself”. So I live with myself. Only recently have I become sceptical: what have I done, isolating myself so much?
Let’s be honest, with me, I don’t believe anybody sees those posts, nor reads these words, yet because I’m writing and addressing someone by mere format of expression, I think I’m talking to somebody. But it’s meaningless. I know myself, I don’t pay attention to many videos and texts online. There are too many, I don’t have that time nor energy nor will to watch them all. But why should I? The internet is an interesting place. Many people express themselves to an open ocean, and at the same time we are the ocean drops, looking at all this effort from afar. I don’t mean me, I mean those videos for example, where I see someone put in the effort, but I just don’t have the time to see them all. We don’t live forever, we live a limited number of years, and age changes us, our time as young adults is shorter than our lives. I’m not happy, but I’m also not the center of the world, nor would I want to be. I’m not that selfish.
I actually hope someone might read this, but I’m also reasonable, I wouldn’t. Because everyone has their own life to take care of. Still, that tiny hope alone makes me feel a little less alone. And that is enough.
(He said he wants to change the website, how can we change anything if all our time and energy go to learning languages, and nothing else. I’m afraid we might stay in this state for too long…)
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